I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
