She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
