you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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