omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
