This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
