My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
