Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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