you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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