Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
