Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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