i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
