Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
