I think I died a long time ago.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
