what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
