don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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