Tell her she can't have a vagina
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
