i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
