Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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