Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
