So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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