i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I intend to get homeless drunk
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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