i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I AM VODKA MAN
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
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