i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
