I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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