Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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