If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
