Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
