i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
