My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
