I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
