My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
