That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
