Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We had to coat check the pizza.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
