so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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