I looked at my own cervix.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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