be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
