When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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