I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
