I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
