M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
