whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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