If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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