My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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