On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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