K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
