I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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