I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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