It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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