thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
