how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
